Why the words we choose matter more than we think

It started as an experiment. My husband and I were both in a season that felt full. Not necessarily bad—but full of moving parts, overlapping priorities, and a constant mix of small and big decisions. One evening, we caught ourselves mid-conversation, speaking about our days like they were battles we had to push through.

So we asked: What if we tried saying things differently?

Not to sugarcoat anything. Just to see if small shifts in language might change the way the day felt. For one week, we paid attention. To tone. To phrasing. To the quiet scripts we each carried. Things like:

“I’m already behind.”
“Let’s just get through this.”
“This is too much.”

They didn’t sound dramatic—but they felt like pressure. And once we noticed them, we started to see how often they appeared. So we tried different words. More honest, less loaded. Words that gave us space instead of shutting things down.

The shifts were small—but not meaningless. A tiny change in phrasing changed the energy of the room. The tone of a conversation. The way we showed up for the rest of the day.

And that’s what led me to dive deeper into the science of mindful language. We talk all day—at work, over WhatsApp, in our heads—and most of us rarely stop to consider how deeply our words shape the way we experience the world. But science keeps showing what many of us sense intuitively: words are not just descriptions of our reality. They create our reality. They shape our mood, impact our relationships, and influence our ability to cope with stress, connect with others, and build resilience.

How language changes what we feel

Neuroscientific research has shown that the words we use trigger specific neurological responses. According to Dr. Andrew Newberg, author of Words Can Change Your Brain, positive words like "love" and "peace" stimulate the frontal lobe—the part of the brain associated with reasoning and decision-making. Negative words, on the other hand, activate the amygdala, increasing stress hormones and priming us for fight-or-flight responses.

So when we say, "This is impossible," our brain prepares for defeat. When we reframe with, "This is challenging, but I’m figuring it out," our brain looks for creative solutions. Mindful language doesn’t just soothe our emotions—it reorients the brain toward possibility.

The Self-Talk Loop: The Language That Shapes Your Day

Over the course of our experiment, I also noticed the way I spoke to myself had a direct impact on how I approached my work, handled uncertainty, and recovered from setbacks. Small phrases made a big difference. Here are a few of the shifts I’ve started using in real-time:

• “I’m focusing on my key priority” instead of “I need to get everything done.”

• “There’s a lot on my plate, and I’m managing it well” instead of “I’m all over the place.”

• “I am learning from this challenge” instead of “This should be easier.”

These aren’t motivational slogans. They are tiny tweaks that have helped me feel steadier and more in charge of my energy, especially when things get full or messy.

Our inner monologue—what psychologists call “self-talk”—plays a crucial role in how we regulate emotions and build self-esteem. People who regularly fall into negative self-talk are more likely to experience anxiety, low self-worth, and chronic stress, depression, and low self-worth.

But the good news? When we become conscious of our habitual phrasing, we can gently steer our self-talk in a more constructive direction. Even a small shift—like swapping “I’m terrible at this” for “I’m still learning”—can soften the way we treat ourselves. Over time, these shifts shape a more resilient inner landscape.

How the words we use shape connection

The words we use in relationships—whether romantic, familial, or professional—are powerful emotional cues. Research from UCLA found that people who used more positive and descriptive emotional language were more effective at resolving conflicts and more likely to report close, satisfying relationships.

Simple swaps make a difference:

• "You never listen" becomes "I don’t feel heard when I share this."

• "This is a nightmare" becomes "This is a tough moment, and I’m finding my way through."

These aren't just semantic tricks. They're emotionally intelligent tools that reduce defensiveness, increase empathy, and deepen connection.

What we say shapes our vibes

Children pick up on the emotional undertones of language before they understand the words themselves. Repeated exposure to phrases like “You’re so careless” can lead to internalised shame, whereas “Everyone makes mistakes—let’s try again” cultivates self-compassion and perseverance.

Adults, too, learn from modeled language. Teams led by managers who speak with clarity, encouragement, and psychological safety are more creative and collaborative. Whether you're mentoring a child or managing a team, the emotional tone of your language sets the atmosphere.

Practical mindful language habits to start today

• Start with gratitude.
  Use language that draws your attention to what’s already working. Instead of “I have so much to do,” try “I’m grateful for the opportunity to work on meaningful things today.” Even a simple “I appreciate…” can shift your emotional tone.

• Reframe pressure into presence.
  Instead of “I need to get this over with,” say “I’m giving this my focus right now.” It removes the sense of urgency and brings you back into the moment.

• Add ‘yet’ to limiting beliefs.
  “I can’t do this… yet.” “I haven’t figured this out… yet.” That one small word opens the door to growth and keeps the story open.

• Use affirming language with children and yourself.
  Phrases like “You’re figuring it out” or “That was a kind choice” help kids build emotional vocabulary. Adults benefit from this too. Try “I’m trying something new” instead of “I’m not good at this.”

• Name what’s going well.
  Start meetings, dinners, or journal entries with “What’s one thing that went well today?” This trains the brain to look for positives and builds a habit of gratitude.

• Use process-oriented praise.
  Swap “You’re so smart” with “You worked hard on this.” This kind of feedback encourages growth mindsets and fosters resilience.

• Speak to yourself like someone you care about.
  When you mess up, would you say to a friend, “You’re such a failure”? No. So say something kinder to yourself. "That was hard. I'm still proud I tried."

• Adopt gentle reframes.
  Replace “I have to” with “I get to.” Turn “I can’t do this” into “This is new for me.” These small edits lessen resistance and empower action.

• Try future-focused language.
  When you feel stuck, use phrases like, “I’m figuring it out,” “I’m learning,” or “This is where I start.” It helps the brain open to possibility.

The shift to mindful language doesn’t require a total reset—just a bit more noticing. A pause before speaking. A different way of narrating your day. A choice to speak with a little more care, even when things feel full.

Because the words we reach for most often? They quietly build the way we move through the world. And that’s the real power of language.